And I can't just drop this blog just like that. on a wedding post, what an omen.
Yes, it is strange, of course it is. I feel still in a half-world, I could close my eyes and imagine myself to wake up to buy fruits and fish on the market, to look at the pretty houses in Valpo and the less pretty ones, to go arguing with R, to watch the little girl in the opposite house who would play with us through the window and the small child that cried every afternoon and the lady with her washing every morning and the giant hairy dog who lived downstairs, and the salty smell from the sea would be in the air. There would be dogs everywhere and tiny flea-bitten kitten. The two tiny corner shops who never seem to sell much except for bread, and they don't even have cigarettes but I wasn't smoking anyway. I could wake up to make cake or sushi or tabulé or humus or potatoe variations or ceviche. I could write about how it feels when nothing moves and everything is in a circle, everybody is breathing summer, and I am in a bubble.
But I'm back. I'm finally back to see my lovely nieces so that I can force their little memories to remember me. It is cold in Berlin, and I find the metro stations suddenly very small, and there are many more trees than I remembered. The women all look very well-clothed and the men all seem to have big hair, but maybe that's Kreuzberg. Feel so Raggamuffin. My cat seems very big and she hasn't forgotten me.
I am still instinctively looking for the little extra bin for toilet paper. I am registering the urge to watch my bag and watch the people at night, to show them I am vigilant. I love to be able to walk unafraid at night, everywhere, as alone, white, tall and uninteresting as everybody else. I'm smoking again. I'm back to organizing like a maniac: housing, internship interviews and clothing, insurance, phone, getting my things back. My flea bites are healing, there are only tiny hard spots left.
I'm looking forward to have a real room of my own. I'm looking forward to go food-hunting, place after place with food I haven't eaten for a year. I'm looking forward to getting to know my nieces and connecting with friends.
Right now, it feels like I will be very very sad then, and I will not regret anything, not leaving, not coming back. So, hello again.